I only ever come here to write when there is something to say.
Since my last posting there has been so much to say that it would take volumes. And yet, I have found the need to remain silent. To process? To understand? To make sense and reconcile perhaps. To explain maybe, to process again and to keep moving?
But now I find I sit in the one spot. Certainly not stagnant. Certainly in a place where the past claims its position while the future proclaims its direction. And yet the present is a combination of both.
In my spirit I continually hear the words of a song I heard yonks ago, and had never thought of till these past few days. I continue to wonder if these words are there to help me understand the current scenario as I try to make sense of it all.
I only share all this for one reason only. I share with the prayer that in so doing I can help one another, or maybe many, who are feeling, enduring, walking through the same.
And the song profoundly says:
“I know that we both talked it over, and said it’s best to forget.
And we’ll leave all our memories behind us, it’s better ended and yet …
“So sad the song of two empty lives, when that moment of truth suddenly arrives.
“And so sad the song of what might have been …
You see a lifetime of dreams scattered in the wind.
“Together – we belong together. Never was that one lovely word easier to say.
“And so sad the song of just remembering when. Knowing the love of your life will never come again.
“So sad the song that says goodbye.
“Together, we belong together. And I’ll love you forever, on that you can rely”
There are a number that I will love forever. I guess I have thus learnt the meaning of unconditional love in that those who have hurt, that are lost, that are no longer part of my life or who have walked away and are no longer with me in the physical will always be with me and held closely in my heart.
With death, with circumstance, with misunderstanding or conduct that I could not endure we are no longer in each others’ lives.
So, so sad is the song I sing for each.
And yet there is a rejoicing that I can sing the song. That I have known each of them and had the chance to share for a season, a reason.
One brought me to faith. Another nourished and encouraged to help me to learn what it is to know myself and to know another person at a deeper place. Another taught me lessons that I didn’t want to learn, but had to learn brutally and conclusively to be able to keep moving forward … to exist, endure, keep growing and living for the days ahead.
And yet another brought companionship, understanding, joy and sharing that was brutally taken away at the hands of a degenerative physical and mental condition that I will never understand and will always wonder ‘why’?
As my heart grieves all that was, all that there is, and all that there could have been, I struggle to understand. And the question of ‘why’ resonates, unanswered.
The last lines of the song, which I had initially deleted and thought not to include question “So, would it be wrong, to give our love one more try” … because it’s “so sad the song, that says goodbye”.
I have been criticised by a number who know me well for my open and honest sharing here. One even challenged – and dared me – to “make the dismissal of our friendship into the subject of one of your blogs”.
And so I have. For one reason only … in the prayer that anyone reading this will embrace and understand that indeed, the song of goodbye is a sad one indeed if it doesn’t have to be. If we each could reveal a little more of who and what we are; if we could be brutally honest with each other and accept we are each created equally, yet differently, and we CAN continue to walk together rather then reject each other at the first sign of dissension; if we could each learn the greatest legacy and command of all that “the greatest of these is love” … then the world in which we live would be different, better … and the pain, judgement, reservation and division we each carry would simply be no more.
With love – unreservedly
Dedicated to the memory of Lee Michael, the three mountains souls who had formerly been such a significant part of my world, and all those others who have touched my life in such profound and unspoken ways. Thank you
There is another song placed in my heart since writing this message. It’s called ‘Heartstings’ from the Mercy Project. Its theme is one of surrender of a different kind but it resonates so much for me here. One of the key lines proclaims “I place you in The Father’s hands … the only one who’ll ever love you more”. And this I do … for all the hearts and souls who were the prompt for me to write this message in the first place – unreservedly xxx
(PS. Thank you my beloved Jan for help with the images in this posting – I adore you unconditionally x)